This is a little different from my usual posts. I am writing from my own personal experience and encounters and it is difficult for me to share this online as I went through a tough year.

This past academic year has tested my limits and thrown every possible obstacle at me. It has been challenging and daunting but I have learned and my mind has been refreshed as there is always a light at the end of a tunnel.

I started my first year of university at the University of Essex studying a three-year course in BSc Economics (please bear in mind that I studied A Level Biology, Chemistry, and Maths and I am very aware that Economics is in no way related to my science-orientated A Levels). I was very excited when I first got accepted and lived through the first semester/term of the year. As expected, I made many 'friends' and classmates and thought I'd have the best time of my life.

Despite studying Economics being my own choice, I also learned that the course wasn't for me. The plunge of change from a very scientific nature to an economic and financial one was very formidable and I regretted it straight away. I was strongly advised not to make this mistake by many family members and my tutor was also reluctant about me making this move but I chose to be stubborn so I guess I 'dug my own grave'.

Gradually, I learned that I didn't actually 'fit' into the groups of people that attended that University. I very quickly felt like an outcast and despised living on my own in a very isolated area. I felt lonely and was overwhelmed by this feeling of loneliness. I didn't fit in with the other's lifestyles; it was just very different and I didn't have anyone to reach out to. It felt as if I was walking on egg shells and had to pretend to be someone I am not. But I still refuse to believe that anyone should ever experience this at University, especially if they're miles away from family. I was approximately 3 hours away from home by car, and it required multiple trains and tube journeys home which took around 4 to 5 hours.

It was basically impossible to feel the comfort of my mother's arms when I needed it most.
I excelled in my maths module but the rest were a bore. I didn't attend lectures, seminars and I was the least bit bothered about my attendance. Poor attendance turned into meetings with the head of the department which did not even motivate me in the slightest, even if it was a threat to be kicked out of University.

Mid 2013, I had my first anxiety attack. It was a feeling so alien and indescribable. Heart palpitations, cramped body, uncontrolled sweating, racing heart beat. It was a time where I was going through a lot with my family and my life was at it's worst. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and my useless doctors had told me that it wasn't curable. There wasn't any medication for it. I soon found out that anti-depressants are usually prescribed to suffering patients to create uplifting moods and stray away from any stimulant that may cause a negative and disoriented feeling. This finding instantly made me feel worse about myself as my doctor wouldn't even tell me about this.

My panic attacks soon subsided almost two years later. But a couple months into university, I started experiencing them again. I already knew the origin of them and it was the worst feeling as I needed maternal comfort the most.

It was safe to say that this is has been an incredibly rocky year and I am confident that it's safe to say I am not the only one who has felt this way. I haven't come across many blog posts about feeling secluded and cut-off. My mum tried suggesting that I go for walks; but the area I was living in was so small and so pathetic that no matter where I went for a walk, it felt as if I wasn't even moving around and air I breathed in my room was the same wherever I went and I felt suffocated. I hated it. I felt like I was in a prison cell. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do so I shed a lot of tears.

I was going to drop out of university, but my parents encouraged me to stay on until the end of the year since I was so far in already. It wasn't like it made a difference anyway, I still didn't attend lectures or anything pertinent to university education. I barely made an effort with my exam revision and only attended exams so I wasn't marked as absent. I really felt miserable.

I still strongly felt as if university was the route to success and it was something I wanted to pursue. I was convinced that the problem wasn't within myself, but the university I was at. The place you live and where you learn is incredibly significant in the journey to success. Especially the people you are surrounded by. I have learned this at first hand and I really want to emphasise it. My parents were very supportive when I decided to go to a new university, closer to home and in a bigger city. They could tell that my spirit was being swallowed whole in this unfamiliar and uncomfortable place. I made a late application to UCAS while I was in my last term to study Biochemistry which is something I know I will enjoy and excel at, no doubt.

This is a very sensitive topic and is close to my heart, but I refuse to believe that I should keep it bottled up. Many of my readers may feel this exact same way and in no way, shape or form would I want them to go through what I did. I did learn that I should trust my parents opinions, no matter how grown-up I want to be and make my own decisions. Parents don't advise us for their own benefit, they want what's best for us.

To conclude, there is always hope. There is God. For those who don't believe in God and everyone else, don't lose faith in yourselves. Talk to someone. If you feel as if there is no one you can talk to, email me. I'd be more than happy to talk to you.

Thank you for reading and thank you for all the ongoing support, I cannot appreciate it and thank you enough.

Love, Shelly x

P.S. I am not looking for empathy or pity, I am simply sharing my experience with you.